Officer Niceguy

Officer Niceguy received a one-minute standing ovation from members of the U.S. House of Representatives yesterday after he shot and killed a man who was texting in a Washington, D.C., movie theater. The officer emptied his .380-caliber cartridge into the texter, hitting him four times and injuring several bystanders.

"I was just doing my job," said Officer Niceguy as he was being showered with confetti at a parade hosted in his honor. More than 1,000 fellow police officers attended the event.

Law enforcement experts agree that Officer Niceguy was acting in self-defense. "The police officer was being attacked," explained Officer Justice, a prominent criminologist. "The texter was attacking the officer's ability to enjoy the movie to the fullest extent."

Unfortunately, the movie theater, which was screening Lethal Weapon 9, was evacuated as a precaution, preventing Officer Niceguy from seeing the movie's ending. A Hollywood executive contacted the officer afterward and apologized, offering Officer Niceguy a prominent role in the upcoming Lethal Weapon 10 as compensation.

"It's a dream come true," said Officer Niceguy. "I should really shoot people more often."

Officer Niceguy will spend the next month training officers from local police departments to "just get mad" and let their emotions govern their decisions.

"If more police officers were like Officer Niceguy, everyone would feel a lot safer," said Rep. Peter Jerkoff of New York, who was wearing a T-shirt with Officer Niceguy's image on it. "Well, unless you're someone texting in a movie theater, anyways," he added, causing him and his entourage of bodyguards to burst into uncontrollable laughter.