Your Mind Belongs to the State

As you're certainly aware of by now, webcartoonists have become an unrelenting menace trying to destroy everything that's good and wholesome in Western society. They've polluted every corner of the Internet with their foul propaganda, expecting the Webcomic Police to wave the white flag of surrender. Clearly, the webcartoonists have underestimated us once again.

In a report we recently delivered to the White House, we propose using media and pop culture to attach a social stigma to webcomics, just as smoking has been stigmatized in recent decades. “One thing that we think is clear with young people, and with adults as well, is that we just have to be repetitive about this,” the report states. “It’s not enough to simply have a catchy ad on a Monday, and then only do it every Monday. We need to do this every day of the week, and just really brainwash people into thinking about webcomics in a vastly different way.”

The report goes on to call for the “creative community” -- “those ad agencies that create these snappy ads and make us buy things that we don’t really need” -- to focus on convincing young people that “it’s not acceptable, it’s not hip to make webcomics anymore.” We emphasize that newspapers and television need to devote prime space to these ads.

We also call for people who have influence over youngsters -- entertainers, athletes -- to be involved in this program as well. But not just them. Our report states how essential it is that "webcomic reviewers, professional illustrators, cosplayers, anyone who has credibility with young people should be on television, on the radio, on Internet forums, as much as they possibly can, and telling these youngsters that it’s wrong to make a webcomic."

Today's children are tomorrow's drone pilots, and we can't afford to allow a single one of them to be corrupted by our enemies. Our message of safety and patriotism will be spread far and wide, until every child in America just says no to webcomics.

We have control. We keep you safe. We are your hope.