No Escape

In October, we launched an airstrike in Florida that killed two children while they were digging holes to hide webcartoonists in. NATO issued its usual dismissive statement, admitting the Webcomic Police may have “accidentally killed two innocent American civilians.”

We raised questions about whether the children were “innocent.” Before calling for the mission in mid-October, one of our agents observed the children using crayons to color illustrations, he said, and webcartoonists may have recruited the children to color their webcomics for them.

The children’s relatives and neighbors suggested at the time that they weren't webcartoonists' recruits and weren't coloring webcomics. But that wasn't enough to trick us into thinking that killing children is wrong. All of our agents were in agreement that these children were worthy enemy combatants.

“It kind of opens our aperture,” said Lt. Col. Butch Killem, whose unit, 4th Battalion, 303rd Parachute Infantry Regiment, assisted us in the mission. “In addition to looking for college-age webcartoonists, it’s looking for children with potential creative intent.”

Martha Weinermeyer, a concerned citizen, expressed gratitude that the Webcomic Police protected her by eliminating this dangerous threat. "We have to understand that our enemy, the webcartoonists, use children to make their webcomics," she said. "We have to understand what our enemy's willing to do, and then we counter that. We're not the monsters."

Our research indicates that many webcomics are secretly made by children. Webcomic reviewer J.J.W. Mezun suggests this in his review of Bowser's Plan B, commenting, "This is the kind of comic a five-year-old would make while going 'Brrrrrrrmmmmm!!!'" It's impossible to know exactly how many children are making webcomics, but one thing's very clear: There's no escape from the punishment these miniature terrorists deserve.

We have control. We keep you safe. We are your hope.