To celebrate this momentous occasion, we're providing intimate, behind-the-scenes profiles of some of our nation's greatest warriors.
For the safety of our officers and their families, the names listed below are aliases.
Agent Dick MASSIVEhardon11 confirmed kills
Dick MASSIVEhardon wasn't always a cold-blooded badass. In fact, he used to be a self-described pacifist who worked as a floral design specialist. Then, everything changed one day when MASSIVEhardon, who was browsing an Internet forum for vegans, accidentally clicked on an advertisement for the notorious furry webcomic Project 2nd. "Something just snapped in me that day," said MASSIVEhardon, who, within hours of the incident, was aboard a plane headed to Washington, D.C.
As he stepped into the Webcomic Police headquarters, MASSIVEhardon wasn't sure if he'd get the job. "I mean, before I started working here, I never hurt anyone in my life," he explained. However, the recruitment officers noted his enthusiasm and decided to give him a chance. "It all happened so fast," recalled MASSIVEhardon. "They passed me a loaded gun and said, 'Take out a webcartoonist, and the job's yours.' And, well, look where I am now."
According to MASSIVEhardon, hunting webcartoonists didn't come naturally at first. "I mean, I hated webcomics just as much as everybody else, but, to me, these guys were still, you know, human beings," he said. "And, you know, I'd made a few webcomics, too, when I was younger, back before I knew any better, so I was kind of able to relate to what they were going through." After the first few kills, though, things got easier. "I told myself over and over that I wasn't killing people, I was killing webcomics. I was killing Project 2nds. Every time I pulled the trigger, I imagined someone clicking on a link and getting one of those '404' errors," described MASSIVEhardon.
Today, MASSIVEhardon is known around the office for his tradition of eating a well-deserved T-bone steak after each kill. "After I'm done with this," said MASSIVEhardon as he enjoyed his savory reward, "I'm going to go out and find my next target."
6 confirmed kills
Dick Foragreattimecall2021511443 caught the attention of the Webcomic Police during a match of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, where, despite being only 17 years old at the time, he took down his opponents sixteen times while only dying seven times. "My teammates played pretty good," recalled the humble prodigy, who was unaware at the time that his gaming statistics were being tracked by the National Security Agency. "When the police showed up at my house, I thought I was in trouble for something," he said. "I didn't know that kids my age could get hired by the government."
For Foragreattimecall2021511443, the War on Webcomics is a lot like a real-life version of Call of Duty. "The other officers are your teammates," he explained, "and you have to play as a team if you want to win." When asked for an example, he recounted the time he got his first real-life kill. "I got to be the sniper that time, and I was out back in case the webcartoonist ran. He went to open a window and climb out, and I got the headshot," said Foragreattimecall2021511443. "It felt pretty good, and I got an extra $500 for getting the kill."
Being a war hero doesn't mean that he can take it easy, though. "I still play Call of Duty every day for practice," said Foragreattimecall2021511443, who had eleven kills and only two deaths in his latest match. His professional accomplishments also haven't affected his humble demeanor. "I would've never gotten this far without my awesome teammates," he remarked. "Shoutout to Ben, Chris, Drew, and Mike. You guys are seriously awesome."
Foragreattimecall2021511443, who recently turned 18, also has a message for any single women who are fans of his work. "If you're looking for a great time, call (202) 151-1443," he said.
24 confirmed kills
Dick Mysterioso is a mysterious officer who traveled back in time to stop Loïck Legacy, the villainous creator of Project 2nd. "Loïck is an immortal being who created the first comic thousands of years ago. I'm talking about Egyptian hieroglyphics," he said. "He's been manipulating events throughout human history. He invented the Internet so he could spread webcomics all over the planet. He also created the furry genre," continued Mysterioso. "In the future, he destroys everything. The Webcomic Police weren't strong enough to stop him. It's up to me to use my powers to rewrite history and save humanity from Loïck."
Mysterioso didn't pass his psychiatric evaluation, but after a six-month legal battle, he was eventually allowed to work for the Webcomic Police as a part-time contractor. Ever since then, he's been an invaluable asset to the organization. "My clairvoyance alerts me when Loïck's minions are nearby," he explained. "I got my powers when I time-warped to ancient Egypt. They worshipped animal gods back then. That's where Loïck got the idea for furries," he recalled. "The gods are real. They gave me my powers before they left for another dimension. They told me that I'm the Chosen One who's prophesized to save the world from Loïck," said Mysterioso. "I wanted to ask them more questions, but then I got sent to the present, and my time-travel powers won't work anymore for some reason."
While Mysterioso is mainly known for his fearlessness on the field of battle, he's also a popular personality at the office. "Another power the gods gave me is superhuman social skills," he remarked. "When someone makes a joke, I laugh, and when someone's feeling gloomy, I tell them that I can relate to their situation. I've really made a positive impact on the morale around here," he explained. "And I don't mean to brag, but I've heard from some very reliable sources that more than one woman who works here has a crush on me," said Mysterioso.
So, what's next in store for this enigmatic hero? "I'm going to search the Pyramids for clues about how to defeat Loïck," said Mysterioso.
No comments :
Post a Comment