Going Too Far

If you're like us, you're sick and tired of hearing about the Constitution all the time. You're fed up with having to watch in disgust as webcartoonists post hateful comments on Internet forums, using the First Amendment as an excuse to harass well-meaning webcomic reviewers. You feel like you can't go anywhere anymore without being bombarded by anti-government propaganda.

Because webcartoonists are financially backed by billionaires and trillionaires, they're able to spread their "art" to every corner of the Web. Experienced cyberwarriors like us know all about the webcartoonists' hidden agenda, but average citizens like yourself are more vulnerable to persuasion, and many of you were convinced that not only was the First Amendment not a problem, but it was actually good for America. The webcartoonists thought they had won, but they had forgotten to take into account one very important factor.

Us.

When our agency was first created, Newseum.org found that a shocking 87 percent of Americans had been tricked into actually supporting the legislative abomination known as the First Amendment. Then we showed America just how dangerous and offensive webcomics really are. And because of our courage and hard work, the number of Americans that have declared themselves enemies of the First Amendment has risen to 34 percent -- an increase of 260 percent in just one year. But that's not all: The 18-to-30-year-old age group, which is the demographic most of our readers belong to, has boosted its anti-Constitution sentiment all the way up to 47 percent, a full 13 points higher than the national average. Believe us when we say, citizens, that we're well on our way to achieving our ultimate goal, which is banning bad webcomics from the Internet -- forever.

 

This chart should fill you with optimism, citizens. 2013 saw a 21-point jump in anti-webcomics fervor, and another 21 points would put our cause at 55 percent by 2014 -- a solid majority. With that much public outrage, it would only be a matter of time before we can pressure Congress to finally repeal the First Amendment. And the day that happens will be known for the rest of history as V-I Day -- Victory on the Internet Day.

We know you're afraid of webcartoonists, citizens, but a new America is on the horizon. It's a place where webcartoonists are endlessly stomped on by the big, black boots of justice. And patriots across the country will gloat as their neighbors' failed attempts at webcomics are deleted once and for all.

We have control. We keep you safe. We are your hope.